To be light
by EbonyFumes
Summary: Harry never like how he looked in the mirror. Never liked how out of control he always was. Enough was enough so he does something about it. With lies coming to the surface his grip on control falls. And his ways of gaining control grows all the more dangerous, will the family that he doesn't want be able to save him. Or will he let it destroy him.
1. Chapter 1

**Right, I am actually so excited and nervous to post this. This NEW story will be mainly focused on eating disorders (trigger don't read it, if this affects you). Anyway I`m writing a story on an eating disorder because there are so few and Harry has had a childhood which could quite possibly stem into an eating disorder. So like the angsty person I am inside, I`m writing one. I have planned this story out and I know how it ends and I`d like to make it extremely aware that Harry won`t die because I am not cruel. This will be one of those cliché oh my god Lily and James aren't his parents stories and it will be about him gaining and losing control. I'm not going to spoil it anyway. if you like this first chapter check out my other story bitter truth and my followers are probably pissed at me for neglecting that and writing this. And the ordering on this story is slightly illogical so don't kill me its fanfiction may I remind you. So in this fiction Harry defeated Voldemort at the end of fourth year. I know this probably makes no sense but I wanted a fifteen year old Harry and not a eighteen year old one. So pretend for me that Umbridge (bitch) and the defeat of Voldemort was in fourth year even if it makes no sense and horcruxes don't exist in this. I've talked enough about that but this story isn't focused on Voldemort or any of that. Oh and Snape and Fred some how stayed alive because I'm still not over Fred`s death and Snape is needed in this story. Draco Malfoy is also two years older than Harry, so remember that. I hope I haven't exploded your heads . If you like my fic which I hope you do, leave a review a favourite or a follow. Thank you!**

 **Disclaimer- I do not own anything to do with Harry Potter obviously.**

 **Trigger Warning- Heavy mention of Eating disorders throughout although it will be diluted with sarcasm. Also lots of swearing so if you still have innocent ears pretend that it isn't there.**

 **To be light**

* * *

"Harry, get up" an annoying voice interrupts my dreamless sleep, for once.

I roll over undisturbed as I press my head into the too soft pillow as if to smother the memories but there still there. Still hanging over me ,Sirius is still dead as is Remus, Tonks, Mum, Dad and Cedric. And nothing I do is going to change that. If only that was possible I think bitterly. How is it that I can repel the Killing Curse but I can't even save the people who mattered to me. _People who just mattered._

And my depressing thoughts are snatched away with the thick blanket as I reluctantly open one eye, to spot a flash of blurry red hair.

"I`m up" I declare reluctantly into my pillow as I fumble around for my glasses, placing them hurriedly on. I rub my forehead in habit as I quickly throw my robes on and adjust my tie. To only have two strong arms pushing me out of the dorms.

"What was that for? I haven't tamed my hair "I mutter sleepily as I stare into the redness that we call Gryffindor common room, oh and don't forget the gold although the chairs are pretty comfortable.

"Breakfast, I`m starving and your hair Harry is uncontrollable so don't give me that excuse" he replies back as he rushes down the stairs and I follow knowing internally not to get between Ron and his food, unless you`re Hermione then you probably have free reign.

We finally reach the great hall after too many stairs ,well that was what Ron said anyway. We slip into our normal seats as Ron fills his plate immediately to the brim with an enormous amount of food, nearly Dursley sized . I glance around the food filled table an uncomfortable feeling settling in my stomach for an _unknown reason_. Cautiously I pour myself a cup of tea with no sugar and grab a piece of unbuttered toast as the rhythmic stirring from the tea relaxes me, well only slightly.

I glance at Ron a feeling of disgust swells in my stomach as I think back to how the Dursley`s used to do that. They used to eat until there was nothing left, well nothing for _Harry_ , anyway. The only difference being between that was the Dursley`s were overweight and Ron was not although that was because he exercised and he probably just had a great metabolism. I shiver internally at the thought of the Dursley`s as Ron picks up on my staring.

"What?" He asks with his mouth full of things I wouldn't dare look at but unfortunately for my blind eyes, I did.

I look down instantaneously.

"Don`t do that. You aren`t perfect either Harry I`ve watched you eat chocolate frog after chocolate frog and carry on" he states his eyes fixed on my stomach as I feel them burn into me, burn into my stomach. And guilt rises vaguely in my head and some thing similar to disgust also joins.

And it got worse. Much worse. If you can believe it.

A chuckle sounds from the other side of the table, I look up defiantly as I lock eyes with Seamus. Confusion flickers wildly through my face as he opens his mouth.

"Beware of the number of calories in chocolate frogs Harry, you don`t need to put on any more pounds" Seamus jokes with a small amused smile.

 _But it didn't sound like a joke to me._

Hesitantly I make eye contact with Ron as a laugh sounds from him he looks me up and down.

"C`mon we`re just joking Harry" he comments as Seamus chuckles and nods his head in amusement.

A laugh escapes my mouth that seems to fake. _Too put on too be real._

Breakfast finished twenty minutes later and they forgot our `joking` conversation. I didn't that's the difference. And sadly there's always a _difference._

Making up some lame excuse to Ron, something about forgetting a book I need for class and I think I added something about not wanting to meet Hermione's wrath . I rush back near the dormitories entering the empty boy's toilets as everyone is already in class, so luckily I don't have to worry about running into anyone .

With trembling hands, I cup my stomach repulsed at the layers of fat my hands grasp.

 _You don`t need to put on any more pounds_. I remind myself as I tug at a piece of fat.

 _You don't need to put on any more pounds_. I look into the mirror seeing my usual disgusting appearance.

 _You don't need to put on any more pounds_. I think back on what Seamus said.

 **I agree.**

_  
The comment continues to resound in my head mixing in with the guilt as the voice that used to lie dormant erupts. I lock the stall with my shaking hands as I lean against the wall of the cubicle resting my head in my arms. Trying to shield my self from my thoughts.

* * *

It wasn't a new thing you see. This small joke this comment didn't start his self-hatred.  
Harry just noticed things that weren't exactly normal about himself. For starters, he never liked looking in the mirror. Which is an odd statement but before Sirius died Harry avoided the mirror because he didn't like what he saw. Although it's not like he saw it often because he made sure he didn't own any.

And he never truly had time to change his appearance, or to act upon it. With Voldemort`s demise and the Wizarding world back to its current state. Harry`s mind had nothing to focus on. As before it was always Voldemort this and Voldemort that and now suddenly his purpose was fulfilled because that`s all Harry was good for murdering someone. So he sunk lower into himself.

He met Harry. He realized he truly didn't like. He didn't like the way the fat pooled at his stomach, he didn't like the scars on the back of his hands that reminded him of his worth, he didn't like his hair that never sat comfortably and made him look scruffy and didn't like a lot of things about himself. But most of all it was his weight. It was always his weight and after growing up with the Dursley`s he knew at a young age that he didn't want to be anything like them. That included their weight well other than Petunia she was too bony and horse like if anything. Vernon and Dudley, they were obese and it always terrified Harry. That he`d somehow gain their genetic of weight gain. That he would turn into a pig shoved into a cupboard forgotten and abandoned and ridiculed.

 _It was a silly fear. So why was he so afraid?_

Mrs. Weasley always claimed he needed `fattening` up and every time Harry went over there he swore he was heavier than before. He felt much heavier than before and the disgust he felt of himself just raised and it was as if the food taunted him lowering his self-worth and increasing his repulsive weight.

He was tired of sitting back of letting these negative feelings control him but never doing anything about them. He needed _control_ , hell he`d go so far to say he craved control.

Control was a foreign concept. And this way, was freedom and a time to take back the control. The thing his life had always truly lacked was control. Dumbledore controlled his sacrifice and the Dursley`s controlled his childhood to the point of a lock and an empty stomach. Voldemort controlled a parentless life for him and the deaths of many others around and the Wizarding World controlled who he had to be, which was some hero with a perfect life. The thing was he wasn't a hero and his life was so far from perfect that it would be funny if it wasn't quite so tragic. He didn't pity himself, of course he didn't because hr believed that every bad thing that happened he deserved and it piled on his shoulders making him feel even heavier.

So, he started a diet. It wasn't meticulous he slipped up a few times too many. He  
outlined what he would eat when he would eat and what weight he wanted to be.  
Currently Harry weighed 118 pounds and the weight he needed to get to was 110 that was goal and this time he`s in control. No one else. When he gets to 110 he will _stop._

It started with little things like sometimes he forgot to eat and other times he wasn't in the mood. And it was just a habit really, that`s all it was.

The biggest thing. The real issue. Wasn`t the ugly person in the mirror no it was the weight of the deaths on his shoulders. The nightmares were the dead haunted him saying it was his fault calling him the names Harry calls himself.

 **He felt so heavy.**  
 **So he tried to feel light.**

* * *

Absently I shake my head getting rid of `these` thoughts as I stuff my trembling hands in my pockets . As my eyes stare too deeply into the pure whiteness of the toilet cubicle. I don't know how it`s long its been and quite frankly I don't really care.

After a while I untuck my head from under my arms and I stand up from my crouched position my arms and legs numb and empty like how my stomach should be but isn't because I ate that slice of toast.

Unlocking the door I step out making contact with an empty bathroom as a sigh escapes me. Cautiously I walk out of the stall,my body instantly pausing as I meet my reflection in the mirror. A feeling of disgust and sadness swells in my stomach . Slowly I exit the bathroom and the only thing left in my mind is the ongoing thought of whatever it takes I will get it, this control.

I walk out of the bathroom only stopping to ask a portrait the time which turns out I missed history of magic. Although Binn`s probably didn't realise he`s way too focused on the goblin wars. I don't think he realise he teaches and that he sometimes forgets that he has students and he certainly doesn't notice that most people name History of Magic, nap time.

Hesitantly I speed up all to aware of the upcoming lesson, potions which I cannot afford to skip, I'm not stupid enough to skip Snape's class. Spotting my friends from afar I walk over to them, hesitantly I observe Hermione`s clear look of disgust at probably missing class and Ron`s oblivious face. They were quite the match now all they needed to do was realise it. Harder said than done of course.

"And, where have you been?" Hermione asks her eyes focusing pointedly at me.

I open my mouth ready for a well pre-prepared lie. Only for Ron to interrupt me. Good old Ron.

"I have a note from Dumbledore, for you" Ron declares his voice taking a quiet tone as he passes over a piece of folded parchment.

"Thanks" I reply, looking down at the parchment my stomach turns and not from lack of food. Anxiously I look down at the parchment again re-reading it.

 _Harry, Meet me in my office second lesson, there is something I need to tell you my boy. The password is `lemon drop`, don`t be late.- Headmaster Dumbledore._

"Well?" Ron asks curiously as ever.

"He wants to tell me something" I answer my voice stumbling only slightly. Hermione picks up on my pathetic anxiousness and rubs my arm.

"What do you think it`s about?" Hermione questions with wide seeking eyes, that always seem to narrow slightly.

"No idea, but it can`t be good" I fidget anxiously with my robe my stare focused downwards.

"Well, you better hurry up" Ron pushes my arm slightly in the direction of the office.

"It can`t be as bad as you think it is" Hermione offers with a anxious smile.

And with that I`m off.

Around ten minutes of walking the narrow corridors I arrive at the Gargoyles next to Dumbledore`s office.

"Lemon Drop" the door slides open rather ostentatiously if you`re asking me.

Taking a deep breath I walk up the swirling stairs as I meet the top.

"Hello, Harry" a voice calls out. Hesitantly I look up spotting the headmasters face and the blue twinkling eyes hidden by oval moon shaped glasses.

"Professor Dumbledore" I greet back awkwardly as anxiety stirs my stomach.

"Sit down my boy we have a lot to discuss" he states as he points to the chair .Nervously as ever not to mention truly pathetic, I sit down on the chair that opposes his.  
It`s bad. I know it is and I do not need to be a seer to know.

"Is Voldemort back" I rush out my hands pressed harshly together enough to draw blood.

Dumbledore laughs but it sounds solemn. And I can't ignore the fear that awakens in me.

"Of course not my boy, he`s gone for good this time" he answers.

"So what is it?" I inquire.

"It`s to do with your family" he replies cryptically as ever as if he was a centaur.

I snort in response feeling that Gryffindor courage rise in me.

"My dead family" I emphasis stoically looking down.

"No, not dead "he states informatively.

My head snaps up instantly "they`re gone. I remember, is this some kind of joke- I watched her die" I mutter angrily meeting his eyes.

He sighs loudly as he kneads his beard in his hands with that annoying wise expression because he knows something more than you.

"James and Lily are dead" he corrects himself.

"I know that, so what else is there to talk about unless you want to talk about the Dursley`s and our so close 'relationship' I answer sardonically.

"No my boy that isn`t it, you see there is family you don`t know about that exist" he declares.

"Wh-hat?" I question anxiously as I pause "You mean grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles right?".

And then he delivers the blow. That ends my already sad world.

"No, James and Lily aren`t your biological parents. I am so sorry Harry".

I laugh bitterly swallowing the fear the anxiety away. It doesn`t work.

"No. I look like James and I have Lily`s eyes, mum`s eyes" I emphasis "Why are you lying to me" I demand my voice defensive as angry continues to swirl my stomach.

"I would never lie to you" he answers.

"So if they aren't my parents then who is" I question loudly my voice towing a stern tone as I rise from the chair my hands gripping the wood tightly as if it can swallow everything including me.  
Dumbledore takes a deep breath and his eyes for a minute stop twinkling.

"Narcissia Malfoy and Lucius Malfoy" he says calmly as if he was reciting some stupid speech.

I snap my head up again all to quickly as anger churns my stomach once more but this time more dangerously if possible, like I'm just going to heave my toast on his rug.

"Death eaters " I pause " I'm the son of a death eater. No is this some kind of nauseating joke because I assure you this isn't amusing" I warn him in denial.

" No, I wouldn't do that. And Lucius is not a death eater my dear boy" he declares.

I laugh back sardonically. "And I'm not the boy the who lived" I taunt back sarcastically .

"He is a spy like Severus a member of the Order" he replies whilst looking at me

"And if Lucius is just so darn perfect, then why did he ditch me" I ask angrily.

"He didn't ditch you" Dumbledore empathises.

"Last time I checked leaving your kid with the Dursley's counts as ditching" I remark.

"He never knew you were with the Dursley's in fact he never truly knew a lot about his second son" Dumbledore replies cryptically as if he contains all the secrets in the worlds and I have no doubt he does.

"Right, so go on then what happened because this doesn't make s-sense" I stutter stupidly.

"You were born as you know on the 31st of July, however it was Narcissia that gave birth to you and Lucius is also your biological father along with her. They came to me a few months ago before you were born and they worried about the Dark Lord using you as bait or the chance you were a child of the prophecy. And as they were close to the Dark Lord because of Lucius spying duties there was a chance you would of been killed. So and I will say this again they didn't want to give you up because they loved you. They gave you to me to look after and give to a Wizarding Family that would be well protected and when the Dark Lord was defeated I would announce where the child was. I gave you to the Potters as they were under Fidelius charm which supposedly couldn't be broken and as they were hiding it was easy to pretend that you were there child. Only Sirius had to make the unbreakable vow, and Lily and James did love you. Since James couldn't father children you became their child it worked out well until Halloween. And it was then out of my control since you were officially a Potter as you were adopted by them so you were sent to live with the Dursley's. I'm sorry my boy but we knew that Voldemort would come back so it wasn't safe for the truth to come back. And before you ask the question, you look like them because of a potion and because the potion has changed your appearance the chances of it being returned are slim as it usually stays permanent" Dumbledore explained his voice growing weary with stress.

"No" I mumble my hands digging into the chair once more.

"You're lying" I attempt to deny.

" I assure you Harry I am not" he replies.

"Do they know that I'm their-r " I stutter once more.

"No I thought it would be better if I told you first" he interrupts.

"Don't tell them" I answer coldly.

"Why ever not my boy" he looks on wistfully his blue eyes still fucking twinkling.

"My family are dead. I do not need replacements" I yell coldly.

"They are good people Harry. And you of all people deserve a family" he states wisely.

"Blood isn't love, I don't need anyone I never have and I never will" I carry on yelling like and idiot of course.

"They need their son. There brother and you may you not know it need a family you always have and now the war is over you can finally have it my boy" he answers with too much wisdom and other poppy fucking cock.

"They've already got there son, they don't need anyone else, I'm done with this" I declare and with a fleeting glance around the office and Dumbledore's solemn face I exit the room.

Hurrying down the corridor where just an hour it was so much different. And Hermione was wrong, even I couldn`t prepare for this. Because bad was an understatement and a large one at that to even begin to describe what's happened.

I hurry along not really paying attention until I come to my destination.

Pacing up and down three times a door appears.  
I step into the room of requirement and as the door shuts ,the truth hits.

I'm not a potter. And with the that the only source of comfort that took for granted is ripped so carelessly away. I look around the room and see it has shifted into the replica of the cupboard at the Dursley's. It's odd but I loved that little cupboard, it was the only thing that was truly mine. And when I was in the cupboard the Dursley's didn't exist my empty stomach didn't exist. And now I'm pretending that the Wizarding World doesn't exist and the Malfoy's don't exist and Dumbledore doesn't either.  
 _And maybe I don't exist._

It doesn't work this time.

It was as soon as I stepped out of Dumbledore's too large office that it all felt off. Not that it was particularly good in there but it was overwhelming- it is overwhelming. And the anger swells in me and the shock it outweighs it.

To know that my parents aren't dead well biologically anyway.

I'm even more of a freak than I thought I was and the only small plus point I can think of is I'm not related to the Dursley's.

Oh, God.

Fuck me. I am truly fucking fucked.

Where am I even supposed to stay in the holidays the Dursley's aren't going to let me live with them, when they know I'm of no kin to them. God, I can imagine there reaction and that means the so called blood wards didn't even exist .And the Malfoy's aren't going to take me in and I'm not going there so end of that. It's not as if it was a decision anyway.

Hesitatingly I burrow into the small crevice of the cupboard and it isn't for a while that I realise I can't breathe.

My breaths are short and laboured and my heart is thumping like it's going to give out. My hands are sweaty and clammy not to mention the shaking. This isn't normal, it feels like I'm dying, maybe I am dying. And _maybe I don't really care._

I draw back another intake of breath, yet it doesn't do anything. I think it makes it worse actually.

The world swims out of consciousness and I close my eyes ready for the peaceful oblivion of nothing, where I won't be reminded of my diet or dysfunctional 'family', _where I can breathe._


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey, I`m back. Thank you for the follows and the review and the favourite it means a lot, makes me all fuzzy so thank you! I was super nervous about this story and I never thought I would actually post it, this is starting to sound like one of those confessions. I`ll shut up *pinkie promise*, I'm so immature. Alright so this chapter is bound to be angsty because I was feeling pretty angsty when I wrote this. And in case you haven't already noticed, yes I am one of those people who's mood reflects there writing. Though I always write sad shit so that doesn't say much and why tell me why am I spilling my heart on an A/N no one is ever going to read. Back on to this chapter, this is Harry`s response to all the shit that's going on. I should probably warn you this fic might have quite a bit of swearing, I try to hold back but I swear like a sailor ,which is a turn off apparently. Fuck I drank too much coffee, guys don't drink coffee without milk even if it does taste better *winks*. That's me over and done with enjoy the chapter if you liked it review, follow, favourite or just hug your computer screen. What the fuck is wrong with me? To be fair its like 1 in the morning and I'm hyper so *virtual hugs*. I'm stopping this rant before I tell you to stop reading this chapter and just drink black coffee instead. I'm stopping I swear and lastly I hope this chapter lives up to your expectations.**

 **Ps. get ready for strawberries, sadness and Hermione hugs.**

* * *

I woke up to pure darkness

For a few minutes I forgot ,maybe I should change that to for a few minutes I was in muggle heaven. And now I'm not . Although at least I stopped panicking even if I did have to pass out pathetically. And it was pretty pathetic.

It sounds stupid but I don't want to leave. I want to stay in this world I created ,this dirty old cupboard that looks meaningless and small to anyone but me. Yet it matters because here I'm not in either worlds. And as soon as I open the door I'm back and I have to worry about avoiding certain people and certain meals that I don't want to see or eat.

It's sounds completely and utterly fucked up to say but It's nice having an empty stomach. An empty stomach distracts you and it distracts me from just everything. _I feel a little less guilty on an empty stomach_ and a lot more alert in general. A full stomach is bad it means your slipping and it feels wrong to just let it sit. So you have to bring it up, not that I've tried. I always make sure my stomach isn't full.

But I can't avoid it right, well I guess I could try.

Then that thought I've been pushing to the back on my head flutters through.

How are Hermione and Ron going to act? Which is let me tell you a valid thought.

They certainly aren't the Malfoy's biggest fans. And Draco's a dick and whenever we have quidditch it's like it's his goal in life to knock me off my broom and send me to my death. So he can one up on Voldemort. If Draco was in my year hypothetically I'd hate him a lot more but as I only see him on the pitch I don't really know who is he is. And I want it to stay that way but inevitably because life hates me it probably won`t.

Other than that the Malfoy Family is something that opposes the Dursley's so much it's actually pretty amusing if it wasn't quite so sad. And yet they have similarities small ones but still there. They both spoil their kids. And their kids both turned into bullying dicks, they both look down on anything unnatural. But there are also differences Malfoy's look down on the muggle world I'm guessing and the Dursley's look down on the Wizarding one. Vernon's overweight and whale looking and Lucius is too well kept.

Anxiously like always might I add, I remove my head from my tipped position ,as if with a movement the thought will go to the back of my head .

It doesn't work. Of course it doesn't work.

Why won't it work.

I _wish_ it would work.

Reluctantly I duck out of my cupboard with a fleeting glance and the pulling of a door, I'm back in the Wizarding World, which used to be my escape from the muggle world. Now I`m not sure which is better.

With a deep breath so I don't pass out again, I head down the dark corridor , as I feel careless of curfews. Even though it's got to be night which means I must been unconscious for quite a bit. And I can't stop that tiny bit of pride that rises from knowing I've skipped breakfast and lunch even if its disturbing that I had to pass out to do that. Maybe this time I'll be closer to my goal weight.

With a head faced downwards I carry on walking as I barely make sure I don't slip off staircases or any other dangerous magical thing which is probably pretty much everything I mean you can't even trust the books, especially not the diaries.

Hogwarts is so much different at night. It's calm and quiet and just a little bit eerie and there's a sense of adrenaline incase you run into Filch and his red eyed cat. Although tonight I don't really care. About anything real unless it's dieting or sleeping or maybe running because I need to start that. Not that I'll be any good at it anyway.

Finally I come across the fat lady's portrait and with the password that Neville never remembers I enter.

And on the couch fast asleep are Hermione and Ron. It must be late if those two fell asleep they can usually keep themselves up. Glancing at the clock because thankfully they do exist in the Wizarding World I let out a quiet sigh, it's four o'clock, which is alright I suppose. Sleepily I search for some blankets finding them in the corner of the common room, I softly throw them over Ron and Hermione. Standing back kind of like a proud parent, wait nope not using that word it's banned. Parents here forth are known as shit. Anyway back to the proud part, Ron has his arm snuggled slightly around Hermione and her head is resting cutely against his chest.

And like finally.

Although I'll doubt it will truly do anything , when those two finally realise they well, like each other deeply , I'll be in my sixties even that sounds doubtful. They're an odd match but that's what works with them especially. You're probably waiting for me to be jealous or well something mildly akin to that. But I'm not, there's no reason to be anyway so they like each other they're not going to go to the shrieking shack and start fucking. Not that I particularly want to think about that but they are too blind and Ron isn't forward and well I can't imagine Hermione jumping for sex first thing.

So I don't have anything to really worry about. They aren't ditching me for sex and as long as they don't start snogging relentlessly in front me, it's fine. I don't like either of them in that way. Plus at least someone's happy, even if that person isn't me. And with them two maybe sorting out their relationship I'll have more time to go running and skip meals and well other things. And I can stay under the radar.

So it works out well for everybody, even if I'm overthinking there non-existent relationship. It's not like I've got anything better to thing about. I mean I have plenty of things to think about but there all negative and this well this just amusing and distracting.

Leaving them to wake up in the morning, awkwardly of course, I head back up to the dorms. Grabbing well anything that looks suitable for running and isn't too revealing I enter the bathroom. Slipping of my school robes I change into my running clothes as I lace my trainers and head out as my hands grasp the invisibility cloak on the way out.

Since its early no one should be out and Filch has to go to sleep at some time. You know I wonder when he does sleep because he patrols all night but then again he probably just sleeps in the day, why am I thinking about Filch's sleeping habits?

Is that the only distraction I have.

And then that small voice in the back of my head that's always been there speaks.

 _No, running is distracting. Run burn off the fat. FAT._

And of course it's true. Running does burn of fat and for that I have plenty.

Still clutching the invisibility cloak above my head I make my way out of the tower and head towards the forbidden forest that isn't so much forbidden really. Wow that sounded pretentious, I'm not that much of an arsehole.

Glancing around I spot an enclosed area that no one can see me from, cautiously I pull the cloak from my head and place it ever so carefully on the floor. After all its my Dad`s cloak-no not your dad. James Potter isn't your dad and with that I`m running. Or I guess if you wanted you could call it sprinting because I am, running away from everything like a fucking coward. Although its not like I'm expected to run up to fucking Malfoy hug him and ask if we can braid each others hair.

Although isn't that what sisters do not brothers. That isn't the point anyway.

We aren't brothers. Nope blood means nothing. The Dursley's thought I was there relative and they didn't even like me never mind love. So that's how its going to be for the Malfoy`s.

Except from this time I`m not going under anybodies fucking stairs and I'm not there damn house elf either. Fuck, Dobby. Nope not thinking about that. Another reason to hate the Malfoys. Hastily I pause catching my breathe as my eyes anxiously scan the grounds although its still dark so I doubt anyone would be awake and be stalking a maniac who runs at 4 O`clock because they hate there body and love control.

Oh, wait that's me the maniac by the way not the stalker. I'm not sure what's worse.

Although if it came down to a fight pretty sure I`d be the one that was the worst.

I carry on running till the sun comes out and I should have stopped a while back because my breaths are unsteady and I'm all gross and sweaty. Though I do feel better ,a lot better actually. Must be all the endorphins I guess, though I couldn`t actually give you a definition for endorphins.

I grasp my invisibility cloak somewhat shakily as I make my way up to the building, painfully may I add. And yet I don't care because finally I can perhaps work this fat off. And it did spare me from an awkward night where I would spend time thinking about certain things that I can`t think about. So reluctantly as ever I make my way up to the Gryffindor tower.

Anxiety dominating my veins I bow my head and sneak a look at the clock and see its seven, okay everyone will be up in 10 minutes. So if I shower for a while I can skip breakfast and everybody else. So with shaky and worn out limbs I head to the showers and turn it up to a hot temperature. And then the satisfying bit comes, taking of my sticky clothes. Not in a sexual way, God no, just in the I've been running for two hours to burn calories way and my clothes are sweaty and smelly as fuck.

Weirdly I'm proud that I ran for so long that I exhausted myself, I just hope it made a dent in my weight. Sub consciously I also hope that yesterday was in fact a nightmare. But its not because once more I am not that lucky in life.

Stepping into the shower is quite possibly the best feeling I've had in a while. The water practically massages my dead muscles and as long as I don't look down at my hideous fat body, I'm okay.

First off I wash my hair because I'm not one of those people who uses shower gel first because is there a point ,you're going to get more dirty. So I wash my annoying sticky up hair with some strawberry shampoo that I think is Ron's, which is a little odd if you ask me. I mean does Ron come off as the guy who's hair smells like strawberries, nope maybe he just likes strawberries though. Although I have to admit it smells beautiful, so beautiful I think I moan.

God, if someone heard me they'd totally think I was having a wank but no turns out I'm moaning because my best friends shampoo smells like sex. That is a statement I'm not going to think about again.

I have the longest list of things I can't think about and you know the ironic thing. When you try to force a thought away it comes back, harder. You'd think with Voldemort dead my life would finally easier, boy do I love a shower of self pity.

After the shampoo is out I think fuck it and I put some of the conditioner on because life is shit and I deserve have to hair that smells like strawberries. Strawberries are about 33 calories for a 100 grams give or take but that's not the point. The point is my hair smells great and I'm stealing Rons shampoos and conditioners because he doesn't have unruly hair, I do. After that I move on to the next fun part of bathing, shower gel.

And the not so fun part, the I have to look at my god awful nausea inducing body.

So regretfully as ever I gaze downwards, and everything looks fatter from this angle. My thighs feel huge ,my belly is pudgy, my arms are just gross and don't get my started on the scarred hand. I shut my eyes somewhat reassuredly and make the hardest decision of my life.

What shower gel do I want to use?

So there's mango, strawberry, lime, peach, apple and cinnamon.

I pick the strawberry one because today feels like a strawberry day.

"Harry" a distinct voice shouts.

Damn he found me. And this time I groan aloud at the thought.

"What?" I yell back louder because it's always fucking hard to hear some one over the loud pattering sound of a shower.

"Hurry up, will you" he replies and he sounds vaguely annoyed and worried which is odd because Ron isn't a worrier. That`s more of Hermione`s job and Ron`s job is just to say something like lets play quidditch. And then I just kind of nod to be honest.

And now he`s caught me, maybe he will believe me if I say I slept in the dorm. I should be more tired than I am honestly, I`m a little tired but its nothing that Petunia`s coffee wouldn't fix. I`m sure that pumpkin juice has energy in but it also has a fuck ton of calories in and as you can see I am already pumped full of disgusting calories which you can see via my stomach. After the shower surprisingly I don't feel like sweat and gross things, well unless you count my body. I turn the shower off and ignore the burn of my muscles which just want to lie down and my head just wants to ignore the world. But no I have to go to lessons and avoid people and avoid conversations and avoid some meals or this diet isn't going to work. After I so regretfully step out of the shower I dry myself off and then I wrap a towel round my waist and step on the scales and pray in my head. I pray that I lose weight.

 _115 pounds._

Okay, that's good three pounds and I'm five pounds away from my goal weight. Then I can stop and I can be semi normal because 110 is an acceptable weight, at least I think so, right? And that is my depressing morning routine. I grab my robes and slip them on, after all that shit is done I look in the mirror remorsefully and spot the dark circles under my eyes, which is just great.

Life is so fucking great, did you detect my heavy sarcasm in that? And now I have to go and face people. So with a very deep breathe to relieve myself from any spontaneous anxiety, I unlock the door obviously, I mean privacy and head out of the dorm, with all my needed lesson things.

"There you are, I waited for you, so hurry up breakfast has started" Ron then doesn't even wait for a reply just heads down the stairs and I follow and it mocks yesterday but every thing was so much different yesterday. Like so much different, it could be funny if it was so bloody shocking. Can I even use the word `bloody` or is that Ron`s word. Yep I think it is Ron`s word.

And as we slip into our usual seats, we are then greeted by Hermione.

Greeted was actually an understatement and a nice one at that.

"Harry" she yells without any sense of well quietness as she pounces on me and then swallows me in a Hermione hug that is actually soft. We hug for longer than usual and she just seems content with pulling me close in a platonic way.

"Are you okay" she whispers in my ear as she tucks a stray hair behind my ear, its quite cute actually.

"No" I whisper back and its honest because today I'm not in the mood to lie unless its food related of course.

And there's no what`s wrong, or long drawling speech about how you have to be okay. Nope she just hugs and talks later which is what I fucking love about Hermione.

Then we break it up because I don't want a jealous Ron on me or a possessive Ron either, they are probably equally as terrible. I turn around to see Ron not looking jealous or possessive actually nope he is just eating. Hermione then proceeds to slip into the seat next to me and Ron he doesn't look at all annoyed. This is just getting weird, maybe they had a talk yesterday about how they should deal with this. I mean I disappeared all day and skipped all the lessons and then didn't even sleep upstairs, so they are probably entitled to be worried.

Life may be shit but I`m glad I have them. But I`m also so fucking terrified they`re going to just walk when they find out about my fucked up parentage and how I`m not the child of two heroes but I`m actually the child of two death eaters who could be spies but I don't care about that now and then they gave me up and that's just, its shit, okay? Its absolute shit and I just need to cry and eat ice cream and treacle tart but I can`t because I'm on a _diet._

I snap out of the haze to see Hermione staring at me with her observing look.

"I filled your plate with food and there`s tea because I know you like tea and we will talk about this later, okay so just eat?" She asks and then she points towards the food with a stern expression. I look over at Ron as if to say save me from the mothering hen but instead of him saying something like `lay off` he just puts his hands up like they do in those muggle films that he`s probably hasn't watched.

"No, Hermione is right she usually is. And we are going to talk about it mate, you disappeared and left me alone in potions. With the fucker, the greasy git, the-" Ron rants.

"Ron it isn't polite to call teachers those kind of names" she interrupts.

And then its all okay for a bit I guess, I look down at my plate and try to shut up the voice that points out how many calories every thing is and I just sip my tea because tea without milk or sugar is great and not to mention it has hardly any calories in. I also ignore the stare from the Slytherin table that burns into my skin.

"Harry stop drinking your tea and eat, wait" she pauses and then comes a bit closer and sniffs my hair and its a little odd if you`re asking "that's Ron shampoo" she points out with a confused face.

"Yes it is and Mione how do you its Ron`s shampoo?" I question back smugly with an innocent look.

She just blushes and looks down as Ron gives me a glare.

"What it smells nice" I reply he just shakes his head and carries on shovelling food down his throat and it doesn't bother me this time.

I eat some of the fruit on my plate because I don't need any fainting on my behalf and then I just leave it as that. After Ron`s had his second breakfast we leave and go to our class but that's not before some one stops me in the hallway. And I should mention that someone is actually that someone I`m trying to avoid and not think about but instead of I don't stopping me like a normal person, he just places a note in my hand and then leaves with a quite sad look in his eyes and luckily Hermione and Ron didn't notice because there a bit in front.

So with shaking hands I prise open my hand and read the loopy elegant handwriting. That is so obviously Malfoy`s handwriting.

 _`Meet me in the room of requirement. At 7 and do not be late. I`m sorry`_

Fuck. I push the note into the pocket of my robes and stuff all my feelings into the back of my mind.

Because today I`ve got to go and meet Draco fucking Malfoy.


End file.
